Grief during the holidays

In the years past, I've often felt a heightened anxiety during the week between Christmas and New Year's Eve, primarily due to money constraints, generalized overextension of self throughout the month of December, and an eagerness to turn a new page. What I had not yet experienced was the feeling of grief as the whipped cream and cherry on top of the anxiety-laced sundae, until now.

I take an abnormal amount of pride when explaining my skill of being optimistic through chaos and acting like everything is fine when the opposite is apparent. The holiday season truly tests that delusion. It's the season of being around family, and realizing which loved ones are no longer in attendance. The season of reflection on the past year and imagining the new year to come. Realizing which resolutions you achieved and which of the ones were lost before February arrived. And now, we add a dash of heartache and a sprinkle of guilt, and we have a perfect storm for grief to take over.

Throughout this season, I've had an overwhelming wish to hug my mom one last time. I can even imagine the way my body fit with hers when she held me. My cheek was the perfect puzzle piece to lay where her neck and her shoulder met, and she always smelled perfectly sweet and so fresh, always as if she had just gotten out of the shower, even if it was the end of the day. I remember how soft her hands were, and how she would rock me back and forth in her arms as a way of putting an exclamation point on the end of her hug. She never hugged me too tight or too soft, it was consistently just enough to feel her love. I dream about my mom's hugs. I dream about a life with my mom still physically in it, trying to figure out how to get to that place, and being frustrated that I can never get there. Becoming at peace with knowing she's never coming back. Becoming at peace with one of my greatest nightmares come to life.

Grief can be draining, and so can the holidays, so when the two cross roads they can often feel unbearable. For me, it's helped to realize that the feeling of loss is so painful and all-consuming because of how incredibly I love my mom, and how incredibly she loves me. The love I have for her will never die because of the impact her memory has on my life and the lives of countless others. She lives on because of the impression she made while she was on this earth, and that's what we should all aspire toward.

So if you're experiencing grief through the holidays for the first time, or for the tenth time, know you're not alone. Attempt to look within and find the beauty of your grief. As for myself, my mom made every Christmas season magical. She decorated every inch of our house, found new and creative ways to keep the spirit of Santa alive, and she was the very light that helped guide each person in our family toward peace during what would otherwise be known as a stressful time of year. For that, I'm so incredibly thankful to have experienced twenty-five Christmases with my mom. I hope one day I can be what my mom was to me, to someone else.